


The Enterprise Years

by Miss_Inquisitive_Sci_fi



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Away Mission Gone Wrong, Enterprise, Five Year Mission, Gen, Invasion, Mind Meld, Pike Whump, Pre-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-03-08 00:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Inquisitive_Sci_fi/pseuds/Miss_Inquisitive_Sci_fi
Summary: During enterprise's five year mission the crew faced true wonders, but also experienced unspeakable horror. On a planet ravaged by war and invasion lost souls cry out desperately for help, fighting for an end to their suffering. After responding to the distress call Pike, Spock and Nhan are set to experience the nightmare up close and personal. Pre-Discovery story, Enterprise era.





	1. Chapter 1

Captain Christopher Pike clenched his jaw as the sounds of death and misery echoed around the bridge of the Enterprise. The recording continued to play on and with it the bridge crew became witness to hundreds of lives being cut short; the whir of phaser weapons, the booming of explosions and the haunting sounds of a whole planet on fire. Chris closed his eyes for a moment and tried to clear his mind of emotions; he was expected to stay objective in situations like this. That was easier said than done when you were listening to children die.

“Any response to our hails?” He asked, hoping to snap the shocked bridge crew out of their daze.

Lieutenant Nicola shook himself clear of the effects and tapped the controls on his communications panel shaking his head when the instruments updated.

“Nothing Sir, I’ve sent standard messages on all channels but there’s been no response.”

Pike sighed and ran a hand through his hair wearily. They had travelled as fast as the ship could manage when they had first heard the distress call, but they had been hours away at highest warp speed. The initial message had been garbled at best but it had been clear that millions of lives were at risk and the planet was undergoing some kind of invasion.

With no other ships in the area Chris had pushed the crew and ship to its limits to get to the planet to offer aid, and when they dropped out of warp they were greeted to the latest call which they had now discovered was a recording. No-one wanted to voice the theory that the first call had also been a recording, not wanting to believe that this had happened in the past and nothing they could do would change anything. There were no other ships in the area but there were clear signs of bombardment on the planet’s surface. He had the sinking feeling that they were too late. 

The surface of the planet was currently on the main view screen and without even zooming in the crew could see something had clearly gone very wrong. There were signs of major disruptions all over the surface; architecture and infrastructure collapsed everywhere and huge cracks scarring the surface in all directions. Either the world had suffered badly from an invasion or by some kind of horrific natural disaster; the energy discharge picked up on the surface pointed more towards the former.

“Give me a report Spock.” Chris tore his eyes away from the distressing images on screen and moved to stand behind his science officer’s station.

Spock’s hands moved over the various terminals and equipment at speed as he startled to reel off information. “There are no ships in the immediate area and no discernible warp signatures. The planet is class M but hasn’t been catalogued or discovered by a federation ship before. Life signs are unclear. The atmosphere is breathable but due to left over radiation for no longer than a few hours at a time. I recommend a rotation of away teams to reduce exposure.”

The information Pike latched onto was the life signs. He frowned deeply and glanced at Spock’s readings. “Life signs are unclear?”

Spock nodded and brought up the results of the scan which looked to be oscillating wildly. “I believe the radiation is interfering with our sensors so I cannot get a lock or definitive answers. There does appear to be a large concentration of energy in the outskirts of one of the cities, this may also be masking life signs.”

Chris watched the feed hoping for some sign of life, so far it wasn’t looking promising. Then again there was always hope until they proved otherwise. “So there could still be people alive down there.”

Spock turned in his chair. “Indeed Captain, however it is unlikely.”

Chris stared at his science officer and picked up on his warning tone, he could practically see the thought screaming from Spock’s face. _Don’t get your hopes up._ It was Spock’s nature to be clinical, logical, he dealt in facts as was his job. Chris’ was to take all the facts and make a decision. He walked back over to the Captain’s chair and glanced at all of the reports heading in from the stations.

“How long would each away team have down there?” He asked, already sending the information through to Boyce so he would be able to set up decontamination procedures.

“3 hours. Safely.” Spock replied.

Chris nodded and made a decision, he was not going to leave a distress call unanswered, no matter if they had to rotate personnel. “Number One, you have the Conn. I will lead the first away team.”

Una swivelled round in her chair and gave him a disapproving stare, visibly not agreeing with his decision to head down to the planet. This little dance they did had been happening more often; his XO would voice her concerns every time he stated his intention to leave the ship. Ever since the crew had heard the news about the war breaking out at home they had all become more restless, apparently Chris had been taking more risks. Honestly he just wanted to do his job and do something meaningful; sitting out the war was eating away at his soul day by day.

Chris held up his hand to forestall any complaints. “I don’t want to hear it Una. If I ask this of the crew I’ve got to be willing to do this myself. Draw up a rota of the next away teams and keep it to small groups.”

Number One didn’t look thrilled but she nodded grudgingly. “Yes, Captain.”

Chris headed towards the turbo-lift, calling over his shoulder. “Spock, Nhan. With me.”

  
***  


Captain Pike, Commander Nhan and Lieutenant Spock appeared on the planet surface within a beam of light, kitted out with emergency medical equipment and tactical gear ready to face any threats that remained. Chris glanced round at the barren landscape and felt his heart drop. The place was a complete wreck; signs of blaster fire, collapsed buildings and blood everywhere. Initial signs were not looking good. 

Chris turned to Spock and saw he was already scanning the air with his equipment. “Any signs of life?”

Spock shook his head and kept spinning on the spot until his equipment beeped. “None but there is a build up of energy to the South.”

Pike glanced the way Spock was indicating, not seeing anything different to what they had already seen. He glanced at Nhan and saw she was scanning their surroundings suspiciously, her hand firmly attached to the phaser at her side. Pike didn’t blame the reaction of his security officer there was something about this place that was putting them all on edge.

“Alright we’ll check it out.” He decided and strode forwards boldly before calling back over his shoulder more quietly. “Remain vigilant.”

Nhan met his eyes and he saw her relief that she wasn’t the only one who was on edge. It wasn’t like they couldn’t be affected after listening to the distress call and seeing the damage inflicted down here.

The trio picked their way through the rubble and remains of the city carefully, studying every nook and cranny for any sign of life or anything for that matter. Spock led the way changing direction every now and again when his equipment updated. So far they had seen nothing but the same but strangely they hadn’t actually seen any bodies, which could either be a good or bad thing.

The readings Spock was getting were increasing the closer they got to the energy disturbance but Spock was still having trouble identifying if they were life signs or not; Enterprise was also still having no luck. For the first time in a long while the instruments weren't helping them figure out where everyone had disappeared too; surely an entire planet’s population couldn't just get up and vanish?

Pike and Nhan followed Spock into the remains of a building which appeared to be a vast hall of some kind, and like the rest of the city it looked to be completely abandoned. Spock came to a stop in the centre and studied the readings intently, Pike could hear from the signals that this was the closest they had got to the energy Spock had been chasing down. A faint frown spread across Spock’s forehead as he studied the results.

Chris gazed round the hall carefully, a grim expression plastered firmly in place when he smelled the remnants of burning and blood. He saw that Nhan was covering the entrances and tactically sweeping around the area; her eyes flicking to Spock every now and again who was completely oblivious to the potential dangers. 

Pike made his way over to Spock’s side and peered over his shoulder. “What you got?”

Spock looked vaguely baffled; his head tilting to the side and his lips pursing unhappily. “Life signs.” He paused and glanced at the Captain. “And no life signs.”

Now it was Pike’s turn to be confused. He frowned heavily and almost asked Spock to repeat himself, thinking perhaps he had heard his science officer wrong. Spock never usually lacked detail or contradicted himself. “What does that mean?”

Spock put the device away and relied on his own senses clearly not trusting the readings his equipment was giving him. “I'm not sure Captain but it would be wise to proceed with caution, whatever is here is either trying to hide itself deliberately or is interfering with our equipment.”

Pike pursed his lips and nodded stiffly, and Nhan tensed at the words and looked more fidgety than usual. The tension in the air was growing and the need for answers was becoming urgent. Suddenly a deep chill moved through the room causing them all to shiver and spin on the spot. Chris felt the hairs stand up on the back of his neck and felt like someone had just walked over his grave. 

He snapped to Spock when he saw him go completely rigid and make an unusual gasping sound. Just as soon as it had started it stopped and the science officer fell silent, Pike scrutinised his face carefully and noted how pale Spock looked and his pupils looked far away like his mind was distant or vacant.

Pike followed his officer’s gaze half expecting to see something new or at least a reason for Spock’s sudden strange behaviour. Nhan was too looking around wildly like she was expecting something to jump out at all of them any second. Pike frowned when he saw nothing so he tried getting Spock’s attention who still appeared to be staring into nothing.

“Spock?” He queried, concerned after the unexplained chill that had swept through the room.

All of a sudden Spock’s eyes focussed and he snapped to Pike. Chris cried out in shock when Spock’s fist struck out and smashed into his stomach powerfully. He heard himself gasp and felt his body crumple beneath the force sliding back and landing in a miserable heap on the floor; clutching his burning side and gasping for breath like a fish out of water.

The Captain choked on each pocket of oxygen and fought back the darkening edges of his vision, trying to get his lungs to kick back into gear again so he could process what the hell had just happened. He heard a scuffle taking place nearby so he blearily looked up just in time to see Nhan drop to the floor unconscious, taken out by a Vulcan nerve pinch.

_What the hell was Spock doing?_

Seeing the danger Spock posed not only to him but also to Nhan, the Captain hacked and coughed whilst he dragged his burning body to its feet. He managed to gasp in enough precious oxygen as he unfurled to keep the darkness at bay. Chris desperately fumbled for his phaser and almost jumped out of his skin when Spock turned towards him and snarled; clearly made aware of his attempt to reach for the weapon.

Pike managed to pull the weapon out of his holster but that was as far as he got. Spock closed the distance between them with incredible speed and he quickly snatched both of Pike's hands in an iron-clad grip; stopping the Captain from bringing the weapon round to aim. 

Chris gritted his teeth and winced in pain when Spock squeezed his arms harshly, digging his fingers into muscles and flesh in an attempt to get Pike to release his hold. The Captain stared into Spock's face and blinked in shock when he saw unfamiliar cold eyes staring back.

"Spock what the hell are you doing?" He ground out, arms straining against the super Vulcan strength but knowing deep down it was futile. Spock was stronger than he was and they both knew that.

Spock responded to the question by uncharacteristically growling and then he twisted Pike's wrists brutally, causing the Captain to cry out painfully. He dropped the phaser in the process which landed with a dull thud.

With his objective complete Spock pushed Pike away from him with enough force to send Chris stumbling backwards into the wall; his head smashed painfully against the surface and his vision blurred dangerously. He grabbed onto a nearby shelving unit for support and tried to shake the dizzying effects away; his heart raced away madly and adrenaline rocketed through his veins.

He blearily looked up and watched warily when Spock picked up the phaser and examined it, changing the setting from stun to kill. Chris glanced over to Nhan and felt his heart sink when he saw she was still out like a light, sprawled unconscious far away and completely at Spock's mercy. Chris was on his own here.

Spock was still studying the weapon so Pike took the opportunity of his distraction and stepped forward, aiming to try and get through to his officer. However as soon as he stepped forward Spock's wild eyes snapped to him and he lifted the weapon up to point at his Captain's head.

"Don't move." He ordered hastily, not sounding like Spock in the slightest.

Pike froze in place and held his hands up in surrender, watching shocked as Spock’s finger started to depress on the trigger as a threat. “Alright, I’m not moving.” He placated as calmly as he could manage, trying not to let it show that inwardly he was freaking out.

His mind was whirring and trying to process what could have possibly changed in the last few minutes to get to this. Whoever this person was in front of him couldn’t be Spock; he had known Spock for years and he knew that this was bafflingly out of character. Of course that begged the question, what the hell had happened to his officer to make him attack his crew-mates and threaten his Captain with a lethal weapon? 

Chris studied the man opposite him carefully hoping to get any clue he could to help him answer the question. Spock in turn studied he Captain, squinting at him suspiciously but mercifully he just about held off from pulling the trigger. With no questions answered and genuine fear rising that Spock might actually have it in him to actually fire the deadly weapon in his hand, Pike tried to calm his frazzled nerves. It proved almost impossible, he had never dealt with a situation like this before; Spock had never looked at him distrustfully before and it _hurt._

“Spock what’s-“

"I'm not Spock." Spock or not Spock snapped interrupting Pike’s urgent question.

_Right, well that certainly didn’t help matters…_ What on earth was he supposed to do with that startling revelation? Wary of the phaser still aimed at his head Chris remained non-threatening and pressed his officer for something he could work with. “Who are you then?”

Spock’s attention had been starting to drift, almost like he was unsure what he was experiencing and looking around the room with wide glassy eyes. As soon as Pike broached the question he wished he hadn’t. It was like the simple act of being questioned brought out Spock’s aggressive side. The science officer stormed up to Pike all the while covering him with the phaser held in a steady grip. When he reached him he slammed his Captain back against the wall powerfully and pressed the phaser against his forehead.

Chris gasped and his vision flashed white dangerously when his head crashed against the hard surface, reawakening the agony in his head. Somehow he managed to keep his hands down and out of the way, fighting every instinct in his body to not react to the violent treatment. He was well aware that with the phaser against his head like this and on its high power setting he would be dead before he tried anything anyway.

Spock glared coldly at Pike keeping the phaser pressed tightly against his forehead, whilst he held a restraining arm across his Captain’s shoulders. “You don’t need to know who I am, all you need to know is that I’m willing to kill you and your officers. Including this body I have stolen.”

Pike’s hope's plummeted, he had been suspecting something like this after Spock had stopped acting like himself. Something or someone had taken over his body and control and was using it to threaten both him and Nhan. In a way the news was a relief; it meant Spock hadn’t suffered some sort of break down. On the other hand Pike didn’t agree with the violent nature and actions of whoever this person was; one thing was clear: they were dangerous.

Spock cocked his head to the side. “Do we understand each other Captain Pike?”

Pike frowned heavily. How the hell did this mystery being know his name? Perhaps he could access Spock’s memories. Chris still couldn’t get used to watching Spock of all people holding him at gunpoint, and not only that, Spock was threatening to kill them all. Suddenly realising the mystery person was waiting on his response he quickly replied. “Yes.”

Spock scrutinised him for a moment longer then abruptly let go and walked away from Pike, moving back to survey the scene more carefully all the while checking Nhan was still out cold and keeping his phaser at the ready. Chris sank back against the wall now Spock’s arm was no longer pinning him up, he leant against the cool surface and tried to calm his racing heart.

Spock seemed to remember something and he suddenly snapped his attention back to Pike. "You have a line of communications with your ship." 

It wasn't a question, a statement of fact and another worrying bit of evidence which pointed to the fact that Spock’s knowledge and memories weren't safe. 

"I do." Pike confirmed carefully rubbing his bruised shoulder.

"Throw it to me." Spock ordered.

Pike eyed the phaser then his officer and sighed wearily knowing he didn’t have many options here. He reached for his communicator and removed it slowly before tossing it over to Spock as commanded.

Spock surprisingly stamped on the communicator crushing it into smithereens under his boot. Pike looked from the communicator to Spock thinking he was mad cutting off one of the lines of communications they had with their people. Especially given the difficulty with tracking life signs down here.

Spock glanced over at Nhan again then seemed to make a decision. "Pass me her communicator as well and her phaser.”

Pike spotted Nhan’s phaser a short distance away from her body; she must have dropped it when Spock had attacked her. Chris walked slowly towards Nhan keeping his distance from Spock and making sure the officer was aware he was no threat, keeping his hands up and visible. His heart thudded painfully which each step, well aware that any one could be his last. What would that do to Spock? Being used cruelly to murder a colleague, a friend. 

Chris shook the unhelpful concerns away and focussed on making sure that didn’t happen. He reached Nhan’s position and thought it best to kick the phaser away so Spock didn't have the excuse he probably wanted to shoot. Pike decided then and there he needed a name for this entity or whatever it was, because using Spock’s name for all these actions just didn't compute.

"Have you got a name?" He probed carefully. He knelt down to Nhan's prone form and checked for a pulse with one hand whilst reaching for her communicator with the other.

The Captain was relieved to feel a steady pulse under his fingertips and saw no other injuries present. He gripped the communicator and tossed it towards the entity who looked like he was still deciding how to answer. 

Surprisingly he did. "You can call me John." He then ground the tossed communicator beneath his heel just like he had done with Pike’s.

Chris resisted the urge to scoff. Perhaps the entity had searched through Spock’s knowledge of names and found a name used commonly as an alias. Emboldened by the revealing of information he got to his feet and stood protectively in front of his downed crew-mate. "Okay John, do you mind telling me why you've taken over one of my officers?”

John snarled dangerously and took a step forward. "Do you mind telling me why you attacked our planet?”

Pike snapped to the aggressive movement and resisted the urge to stumble backwards. He then registered the accusation and blinked in confusion; there were clearly signs of some kind of attack here but they had come to help after the fact. "We responded to a distress call and beamed down here to look for anyone who needed help. We didn't attack your planet John.”

John’s finger tightened on the trigger and his face twitched angrily. "Do you think it's a coincidence they looked just like you. Why should I believe you?”

Pike licked his lips nervously, hoping he was right with his deduction. "You seem to be able to read Spock's mind and see his memories, you can see for yourself we're not lying.”

John looked taken aback by the Captain’s remark but he didn’t deny the deduction. He groaned then closed his eyes and his face creased up in concentration. Chris stayed well back and gave him a few minutes to find what he was looking for. Eventually John’s eyes snapped open and he yelled in frustration. "I can't see! He's shielding his memories somehow so I can only see surface ones.”

The Captain frowned heavily and stared at John wondering for the first time if Spock was aware of what was happening to him, wondering if he could see what John was using his body for. Chris thought his best course of action would be to try and placate John, seeing a potential way through this mess. If the entity could see with his own eyes that they had nothing to do with this then hopefully he would believe they were here to help. "Then take over my body.”

John snapped up to him. “What?"

Chris continued with his crazy plan. "I wont resist you, you can have a look at all the memories you need to believe we’re telling the truth.” He would much rather have an entity rummage through his head and memories willingly than force Spock to endure such an attack, he probably didn’t even know what was happening to him.

John looked like he wanted to throw the phaser at something in anger. “Don't you think I would if I could?”

"What do you mean?”

John sighed wearily, suddenly looking older and incredibly worn out. ”I can't connect with someone who's not telepathic. Your officer was the only one out of all of you who I could gain access to.”

Pike bristled at the term _access to._ He had to keep reminding himself that it wasn't Spock who was talking and the poor kid was stuck in his own body somewhere, like he was suffering from some crazy locked in syndrome. Also it put a massive spanner his plan; Chris would have to try and convince John the old fashioned way but for some reason he doubted that it would be easy.

"Look I'm telling the truth and we’re here to help if you just let me contact my ship-“

John stopped sulking and aggressively interrupted. "No, until I know the real truth no-one contacts your ship. I don’t trust any of you.” He glared suspiciously at Pike and Nhan.

The Captain sadly watched the distrust return to the forefront so he snapped his mouth shut, and resigned to the fact that for the moment John was closed off to any suggestions he would make. Chris would have to give him some time and space, if he pushed too hard John may snap and it would be over for all of them. John was a ticking time bomb and at the moment he was in control of all of their lives.

John glanced between the pair of them with an expression of someone deep in thought, a frown pulling at his face as he suspiciously watched. Suddenly he turned on the spot like he was searching for something, and he moved quickly to the corner of the room all the while keeping an eye on Pike and Nhan. Chris watched John rip up several metres of wire from a crumbling wall causing several sparks to light up the place when he did. Pike gulped nervously. There weren’t many reasons why John would want wire; he knew where this was leading and he didn’t like it one bit.

With the material collected John made his way back over to the Enterprise crew. “Tie her up.” He ordered coldly pointing to Nhan.

Pike glanced from the outstretched wire to Nhan’s unconscious body but was reluctant to reach out and accept the order, he really didn’t want to do this.

John picked up on the hesitance and tilted his head to the side, his eyes twitching impatiently. “Unless you want me to find a more permanent solution.” John growled indicating the phaser.

_Shit,_ this reaction was precisely the thing he wanted to avoid. Pike quickly accepted the proffered wire. “No, I’ll do it.”

This wasn’t something he wanted to do but if it were this or death then there really wasn’t much choice. Chris walked over to Nhan and gently started manoeuvring her hands together hoping she wouldn’t take this too badly when she woke up.

“Behind her back.” John ordered.

Pike threw the man a glare but did as instructed after seeing how close the entity was to losing his patience. He gently rolled Nhan over and crossed her wrists together. Chris never thought he would ever be tying up his own crew member, how the hell had things gotten so bad? Pike began looping the wire over the Nhan’s wrists making sure to not make the wire cutting or too uncomfortable. Predictably John didn’t like that.

“Tie it tighter, last warning Captain.”

Chris sighed heavily and regrettably tightened the bindings knowing there was little chance Nhan would be able to slip these now, but it was either this or a phaser bolt to the head. He efficiently tied off the knot and turned back to John.

“Happy?” Pike couldn’t help but snap a little pissed at John for the way he was manipulating his crew, especially Spock.

John ignored the attitude entirely and kept all his attention on the one threat left in the room. “Move away.” John ordered pointing the phaser to the other side of the room.

Chris held his hands up and moved away as instructed glancing down at Nhan forlornly, and not liking the idea of leaving her side. John walked forward and reached down to Nhan’s bound hands and tested them, satisfied that they were tied tightly enough. His attention soon turned to Pike and he picked up another loop of wire.

“On your knees, facing the wall.” He ordered.

Pike turned to face the wall and got to his knees keeping his hands up as he did. He was expecting a command to put his hands behind his back and to feel the wire come around his wrists. What he was not expecting was for John to stride up to him and slam the phaser into the back of his head.

Chris cried out in misery and crashed to the ground; his face collided harshly with the concrete floor and crumpled under the pressure. Before he could try to rise John’s knee ground harshly into his back and he felt his wrists being grabbed one by one. Pike struggled against the hold instinctively until John pressed his knee further into his back, painfully pressing on his organs and spine.

The Captain moaned and gritted his teeth as John began roughly tying his hands together, making sure they were tied _very_ tightly. When he was done he dragged Chris up by the arm and pulled him across the room to Nhan’s prone form; he didn’t seem to notice or care when the Captain struggled to find his feet and stumbled across the room.

John deposited Pike in a heap and manoeuvred him into a seated position; he ordered him to remain where he was whilst he went to get Nhan. John lifted Nhan’s unconscious body up to lean back against the Captain’s; he then began winding the remaining wire around their chests effectively tying them back to back tightly.

Chris winced each time the wire cut into his chest, whilst also still trying to blink away the dizzying effects from being pistol whipped. His head was pounding miserably and sadly he was having trouble focussing on much. Eventually he felt his body being pressed tighter and tighter against Nhan’s so much so that he couldn’t even move his fingers anymore. So much for his plan to get each of them to untie the other’s knots. 

John efficiently tied off the bindings and got to his feet glaring warningly at his prisoner. "Don't test me Captain." He pointed the phaser vaguely in Nhan's direction. Pike stilled and his body temperature plummeted against the blatant threat against his officer. "You wont like the result.”

With great difficulty Pike held his tongue not wishing to push John any further than necessary, not with how volatile he had proven to be. John studied him for a few seconds before moving off into the hall and settled down on the floor; he closed his eyes and placed his hands either side of his temple. Pike had the nasty suspicion that John was about to fight Spock for control of his mind, and memories. God knew what the poor kid was going through.


	2. Chapter 2

Chris felt something stir behind him causing him to shift his gaze away from Spock. He heard a pained moan indicating Nhan was rousing and beginning to wake up. Pike felt her fingers twitching beneath his back and swayed off balance when she tried to shift forward.

“Nhan?” He glanced over his shoulder as far as he could manage only being able to see the side profile of her face. Her hair hung forward blocking most of his view and she let her head slump down with a thud until it rested against her chest.

After a few dazed moments Nhan seemed to register the sound of his voice; she snapped up to his question and began to struggle wildly against the restraints. Pike grunted when the struggles grew more vicious causing the wires to press and cut against his chest painfully. The harder she struggled the more difficult it became to keep them both upright. Nhan was panicking, not that it was a surprise what with waking up in an unfamiliar position; being tied up not knowing who she was with or where she was.

“Nhan it’s me.” He bit out through gritted teeth, trying to get through to her before she strained on their bindings enough to cut into flesh or worse knock them both over.

This time his voice seemed to finally break through her confusion and she stopped struggling and froze in place. She turned her head and met his gaze just about managing to lean back far enough so they could face one another. Nhan was usually a closed book but Chris could tell easily enough that she was confused and wary; her eyes still looking glazed and groggy from the effects of the nerve pinch.

"Captain?" She asked quizzically restarting her struggles. Chris felt Nhan frustratingly pull at her wrists which wasn’t comfortable on his end in the slightest, her hands kept digging into his lower back painfully. She still wasn’t quite with it.

"I don't want you to panic but we're in a bit of a situation." He tried to infuse calmness into his words needing her to slow down before she hurt them both. He began to wonder how the hell he was going to explain what was going on, and more pressingly about John.

Nhan frowned deeply and looked completely lost like she was barely following his words. Pike realised she might not even be able to remember what had happened on the planet, with Spock. Eventually she seemed to realise their immediate situation and scowled at the wires binding them. “You don’t say.” She dead-panned.

Pike allowed a strained smile to pull at his lips; despite the miserable circumstances Nhan was beginning to sound like her old self. Chris glanced over to John and saw that he was still deep in thought, and had his hands pressed tightly to his temples. Nhan followed his gaze and gasped loudly when presumably her memory returned.

"Spock attacked me..." Nhan whispered in disbelief unsure if she should be more angry, hurt or sad.

Pike watched Spock forlornly. "That's not Spock.”

Nhan jumped and snapped round to him; her mouth fell open and she blinked rapidly like she was trying to process what she had just heard. Unfortunately her sudden movements jolted the pair of them against one another, and Pike grimaced when the restraining wires tightened and cut into his flesh again. Nhan noticed the movement and reaction and apologised quickly for pulling, and she realised that if either of them moved it affected the other.

Chris waved off her concern and set about filling her in as well as he could manage. He spent the next five minutes explaining everything he knew, not that he knew much. He told her about John, his claims that they were the invaders and the reason why they were tied up and not trusted. Pike observed Nhan's face soften as he explained Spock’s predicament and saw his own worry for Spock was mirrored in her face.

They hadn't heard from him since John had appeared and they only had his word that Spock was even okay. Chris was growing more worried the longer John stayed quiet; he was apparently in a deep meditative state but neither of them knew that for sure.

"Christ." Nhan whispered sadly. "Poor Spock.”

Pike nodded grimly. "I just hope he's okay in there.”

Nhan followed his line of sight to Spock and they both watched the kid like hawks, waiting for any sign of Spock or John rejoining the land of the living. He hadn’t stirred once since he’d sat down. Chris should have known; he’d had little else to do after working out the restraints weren’t budging so he’d spent the rest of his solitary time watching Spock hoping for any flicker of recognition but finding none. Watching somebody else in Spock’s body was more than just a little unnerving.

Knowing that John was still paying them no attention Nhan suggested they try and get free, and work on some sort of escape. Pike didn’t have the heart to tell her that he had been doing just that ever since John had walked away without any success, but in fairness it might be easier with someone pulling from the other side. 

Knowing that at least it was something to keep their minds off the situation they twisted and turned trying to manoeuvre their wrists closer together; wanting to get at each other’s bindings. No matter how hard they strained they couldn't get their wrists to move far at all. The ties binding their chests were far too tight and had next to no give; even with their combined strength they couldn’t stretch the restraints far enough. After several minutes of doing nothing more than cutting their own flesh they laid back against one another tired and in pain, wincing at how raw their wrists already were and feeling blood drip down their hands.

"I can't move my hands let alone my fingers." The Captain muttered miserably knowing that he sounded defeated but realistically there was little they could do except shred their hands further. 

He could barely feel his fingers anymore which was a worrying sign; even if they somehow managed to get their hands together he doubted either of them would be in any position to untie the restraints.

Nhan leaned her head back against his and huffed. "Me neither.”

"You're awake.”

They both jumped at the unexpected interruption: at Spo- no John's voice. Neither of them had heard John reawaken or get up, and Chris was at a loss as to how he had gotten this close to them without either of them realising. Spock had always been light on his feet but the Captain had to remind himself this wasn’t Spock, not really, no this was an alien entity who had stolen Spock’s body. 

Pike saw that John had his attention firmly on Nhan and it was her he was addressing. His eyes roamed over their bodies and stopped at the wires, squinting and searching for any changes since he had left. He was nothing if not paranoid.

“I am.” Nhan replied frostily drawing John’s undivided attention back to her.

He crouched down between the pair of them all the while holding Pike’s phaser to cover them both. Chris eyed the weapon warily and felt Nhan tense up behind him reacting to the violent threat. John clocked the reaction to the weapon and smiled tightly. "Has your Captain explained the situation to you?”

The Captain heard Nhan’s indrawn breath and closed his eyes in resignation; recognising she was about to lose it and do something stupid. Just as Chris feared Nhan began an enraged tirade, practically spitting at John and attacking him mercilessly with words. 

"You've attacked us without warning, stolen my friend's body and for what? Because you think we look like invaders, when all we wanted to do was help." She was breathing heavily by the time she had finished ranting, and she held her head up high and made a demand. "I want to speak to Spock.”

Chris studied John's face nervously and waited for the other shoe to drop, and for Nhan's ill-thought out words to land completely. He had known she had a temper but he hadn't expected that; from the look on John's face neither had he. John blinked several times and Pike literally watched the gears turning in his head. He watched dumbfounded as a completely alien expression worked its way onto Spock’s face; his eyes began to blaze with red hot anger and his breathing shortened whilst his muscles trembled with fury. Unsurprisingly he lost it.

Pike cried out when the phaser crashed into his face leaving a trail of misery in its wake; dismally he tasted blood when his lip split open. He grunted when the momentum had his head crash back into Nhan's, knocking both their brains around harshly and leaving fresh bruises behind. Chris shook away the dizzying effect when he felt something press against the side of his head, something which felt scarily like a phaser.

After a few moments of a bleary world the Captain regained his vision and confirmed the thing pressed tightly against his head was in fact his own phaser, held by Spock who was being controlled by John. He really couldn’t have made this up if he had tried. 

Realising now was not the time for jokes or introspection Pike looked beyond the weapon and sought John's face; he wanted to backpedal and retreat when he saw the cold fury there but he had nowhere to go. He had never imagined Spock's face was even capable of such hatred, but here was the evidence and it chilled him to the bone.

"You don't give the orders here Commander." John growled; his voice shook with anger and his eyes blazed darkly.

Pike stayed very still and recognised how close everyone was to taking this beyond the point of no return. He willed away the pounding thunder in his head and tried very hard to ignore what was pressed against his head. The one thing he couldn't forget though was that Spock was stuck inside his mind watching all of this, watching his own body do this. What if the worst happened and John used Spock’s body to murder? Pike wouldn't wish that on anyone; that level of violence could irrevocably damage his mind and emotions. He could not let that happen to Spock.

"Nhan." He called out softly. He tensed slightly when the phaser twitched but John didn't give any further indications to stop speaking so he pressed on. "Spock's in there.”

It was all he needed to say; she would get it. They had to keep there cool for his sake more than their own. Their actions didn't just hurt them; it would leave deep scars for Spock that may never heal. 

Chris felt the tension in her deflate and she slowly breathed out her anger. "Sorry." Nhan eventually managed, meaning it more for Spock and the Captain's ears than John’s.

John studied them both carefully and Pike held his breath waiting for him to fall either way; he wished for all their sakes that John would let Nhan’s emotional outburst go. Eventually Chris felt the phaser slowly pull away from his face. After a beat he warily turned his head to face John not quite sure what he would see. Pike watched John's anger burn away and his expression schooled over, in no time he looked a lot more like Spock which was a small blessing. The Captain hated seeing his officer like this; he hated watching his body being manipulated to do things Spock was himself incapable of.

"That's better." John finally muttered sounding almost pleased. Pike noticed the phaser was slowly being lowered down; it wasn’t actively pointing at either of them anymore which helped reduce the tension.

They both waited patiently for John to do or say something else but he just sat there watching them, glancing around the room nervously every now and again. Pike eventually realised he needed to step in if they were going to move forward; he didn't fancy being tied up for the rest of the day nor did he fancy being stuck in the planet’s radiation too long.

"John." He got the mans attention quickly. "Our ship is going to start wondering where we are soon, you can't keep this secret forever.”

John’s face turned as white as ash, his shoulders tightened and it looked like he was staring into nothing. The Captain recognised the clear signs of _fear?_ Well that was new, he had only showcased confidence and violent tendencies so far. "What do you suggest I do Captain? I've tried breaking through to your officer but he won't let me in.”

Pike had assumed as much. John had been alone silently for some time earlier and from the attitude towards him and Nhan John had clearly not made any progress with his trust issues. Not really knowing what else to suggest Chris tried something knowing in advance the likelihood of it working was pitifully low. “You could trust us.”

John’s nostrils flared and he pounded his hand against the floor, his anger resurfacing nastily like a viper rearing up. The phaser was brought up aggressively and pointed squarely at Pike’s chest. Chris closed his eyes, that had gone worse than not well. 

John’s limbs trembled and he was soon overcome with emotion. “We trusted them.” He yelled out in a shaky voice, his voice breaking as the words trailed off. All of a sudden he lost the strength to be angry and for the first time he looked weary; he slumped over and dropped his head to rest against his chest taking the phaser down with him. “And look where that got us…”

Pike glanced over his shoulder at Nhan with eyes wide, not knowing what the hell had happened and why John had switched from raving lunatic to defeated child. John was jumping between emotions and feelings too quickly, god knew how much strain was being put on Spock’s system because of it. How much longer until one of them snapped?

Speaking of Spock, Chris suddenly had a brainwave. Why on earth hadn’t he thought of this sooner? "Let me talk to my officer.”

John looked up at him and stuttered back like he'd misheard. “Why?”

Pike had his interest, _good._ "You say you need his memories, let me talk to him and ask him to let you in. You can see all you need too and you wont have any reason not to trust us.”

John perked up and seemed to be mulling the suggestion over, the new idea giving him a lease of life and more importantly a potential way forward. Eventually he decided that he was running out of options.

“Alright.” He conceded before issuing a completely unnecessary warning; and he brought the phaser up to point at the Captain once again. "But I'll be watching and in control of his body, if I see anything I don't like this is over. Make sure Spock is aware of my conditions."

Just when he thought he was making headway John fell back on threats and violence.

“There's no need for threats." Pike sighed tiredly.

“There's every need.” John's hardened resolve was back.

Pike noticed the phaser jab in his direction and understood completely what John was implying. He nodded an agreement. "No tricks, I swear.”

John glanced from Nhan to Pike suspiciously and seemed to see what he needed. He knelt down just as he had earlier and pointed the phaser squarely at the Captain’s chest. After sighing heavily he closed his eyes and Spock's face tensed for a moment before relaxing.

Chris tried to ignore the deadly weapon and put all of his attention on Spock. He soon saw Spock's face fall flat and adopt a blank expression which was so refreshingly familiar. He had never thought he would say he missed Spock's stoic nature but he had sorely missed it today. A couple of seconds passed and then Spock opened his eyes blinking a few times like he had just awoken from a long slumber. Chris's heart skipped a beat when he looked into Spock's eyes and recognised his friend.

"Spock?" He urged carefully.

Spock’s confusion died and was obliterated in that moment, latching onto the familiar voice and using it as a life line to return to normality. His eyes snapped up to meet Pike’s and stared intently into his Captain’s face. Chris didn’t know where to even start, but before he got a chance Spock glanced away guiltily. Pike noticed that Spock had been staring at his face and realised he must have seen the blood, not only that but he had studied the restraints and then finally had glared down at the phaser that was still pointing at Pike.

Chris remembered John’s warning that he would remain in control of Spock’s body, and that he wouldn’t be able to move an inch. Pike didn’t want to startle his friend but the last thing he wanted was for Spock to allow self recrimination to take hold. “I don’t know how much you know-“

"I remember everything." Spock interrupted quietly still not meeting either of their concerned gazes. "At least everything I did to you.”

So much for stopping these self-blaming thoughts before they had taken hold. Worse than that the admission meant that Spock _had_ been forced to watch and experience hurting his crew-mates. Being out of control like that must have pushed Spock to the edge of his sanity. He had to stop this guilt before it consumed Spock completely. “You didn’t-“

Spock’s eyes darted wildly between the both of them and he interrupted adamantly. "I am sorry for my actions I-“

Now it was Pike's turn to interrupt. "Save it Spock, neither of us blame you for this we know it's not you making these choices.”

Spock frowned after being cut off and looked a second away from arguing his point to the death, so Nhan put her 2 cents into the mix. "The Captain's right Spock, this isn't your fault. Hang on in there okay?”

The plea was strong and brooked no room for argument yet Nhan still had a way of getting through to people; she had a way of showing how much she cared just with words. The sudden compassion and concern halted whatever Spock had to say and his mouth snapped shut. The fight drained from his expression and he suddenly looked like he was about to drop, his face was pale as ash and his eyes looked greyer than usual like they had lost their spark. Was that why Spock had dropped the point? Chris wasn’t used to Spock giving in after so little fight, it was even more worrying when Spock slowly nodded and somehow fell a shade paler.

Now that Pike was looking closely he noticed Spock’s muscles tense every so soften then shake imperceptibly, his jaw would even clench and Chris could hear Spock’s breathing hitch every few breaths. Was he fighting for control even now? Aware that they were on the clock Chris got on with the task at hand; he hated that he didn’t have the power to take this burden off of Spock’s shoulders.

"Spock, the entity inside you, John, he's letting us talk to you but he wont relinquish his hold on your body." Pike indicated the phaser in Spock's hand.

Spock glared at the device readily, it actually could have been defined as a scowl which really threw Chris off. He had seen Spock display more emotions today than he ever thought possible. "He is watching now and has made it clear if he sees anything he doesn't like he'll fire the phaser." Pike concluded grimly not feeling the need to point out the obvious that he would be killed if John carried out his threat, _that_ didn't need saying out loud.

Spock’s eyes shot up and there was a strange cold anger in his eyes, chillingly it reminded him of earlier when John was in control and threatening their lives. The unusual emotional outburst vanished in an instant almost like it was never there, and Spock schooled his expression although his voice still sounded strained. “What does he want?”

"His people were attacked, I don't know the details but he thinks it was us. I've tried reasoning with him and promised we're here to help but he refuses to trust us.” Spock listened carefully and Pike could see some of this was not news to him. "The only way he'll believe us is if you let him into your mind, and let him see your memories.” Pike trailed off hating that he was asking this of Spock.

Another crack appeared in Spock’s facade and he flinched. "Can I assume he has already been attempting to gain access to my memories?” 

Pike nodded grimly.

"Then that would explain the continued mental assaults,” he paused and took a moment to gather his thoughts, his forehead creasing to make him look ever so weary, “they are draining.”

If Spock described the experience as draining then what he really meant in human terms was that he was barely holding it together; it made it all the more difficult to ask what he had to of Spock. "I'm sorry to put this on you Spock, John says he can only meld with somebody who has telepathic abilities." He sighed heavily as Spock remained still and quiet. "I would do it myself If it were possible.

"Its alright Captain, I know it can only be me.” Spock replied softly. "I am going to have to give him access to all of my memories." He glanced at Pike pointedly. "Including everything I know about the Enterprise.”

Pike understood the warning and concern, Spock couldn’t ensure John would stick to just the most recent events. He was warning his Captain that he could become a potential security risk. The more Chris thought about what he was asking the guiltier he felt; he was asking to open himself up completely and to a stranger no less. John would wade through his precious memories and deepest secrets and Spock was doing this willingly. 

Potential security risk aside he was willing to take the chance. The people of this planet had asked for help and they were going to get it, there could be hundreds if not thousands of people who needed them. "Understood Spock. These people need our help, we can't do that until John trusts us.”

Spock locked eyes with him for a few seconds and Chris thought he was about to add something further, but then he though better of it and broke eye contact. Instead he spoke out loud so John could hear. "I will give you access to my memories. You will see that we are only here to help.”

Pike waited patiently and Spock glanced round the room. Suddenly he tensed up and Chris panicked when he saw Spock's eyes roll backwards then close. His muscles tightened and spasmed just like before then he went still; the phaser lowered to rest against the floor.

John had retaken control. 

Pike and Nhan waited patiently not knowing for sure how long the transference would take or if John was deep within Spock’s mind again. His breathing was shallow and it honestly looked like he had fallen asleep kneeling; Pike recognised that he was in a deep trance state.

Without warning Spock's eyes flew open wildly and he gasped loudly, Pike almost jumped out of his skin at the abrupt change. Spock’s panic increased and all the Captain could do was watch the phaser swing wildly around the room, crossing Pike and Nhan's personal space more than once.

Eventually John's eyes snapped up and he stared at Pike. Chris found the look a little unnerving and frowned when he watched several emotions flash across John's face, it was morphing into something different continuously but the most prominent emotion was horror and shock.

John glanced down at the phaser and suddenly dropped it like it had burned him, flinching away from it in horror. His lips moved but no words came out, he couldn’t even meet Pike’s eye anymore like he was avoiding looking at either of them all together. John was ashamed.

"John are you alright?" Pike asked genuinely concerned.

John eventually forced his gaze up to meet the Captain’s and he swallowed before quietly muttering. “You were telling the truth.”

Pike felt relief flood his system, John had clearly been able to witness Spock’s memories first hand and had saw the truth for himself. He watched John struggle to comprehend what had happened, he looked so conflicted and was losing the battle against the raging emotions: guilt, suffering, pain, confusion.

"I'm so sorry. I thought..." John began then tailed off. His hand came up to his face and he covered his mouth in shock; his eyes fixated on the Captain’s spilt lip.

Chris felt the mood shift. He decided now was the right time to offer an olive branch. "You were scared, and it's alright.”

John looked at him incredulously. "Of course it's not alright, I almost killed you and all you wanted to do was help.”

Pike just wanted to move on from this and let Spock get his body back, and make sure nobody else was hurt. John clearly needed their help and Chris intended to give it to him. "I'm willing to start fresh if you are. We will do anything we can to help you and your people, you have my word.”

It wasn’t his way to hold grudges, especially not against people who were fearful for their lives. Everyone made mistakes out of fear.

John choked off a sob and looked like he was halfway between bursting into tears or laughter. “I couldn’t have been more wrong about you.” He stared at the two of them with something akin to admiration like he was seeing them both for the first time. “You’re a good man Captain.”

Strangely Pike felt like those words had more meaning than John was letting on. What had Spock shown him? That was a thought for another time though, right now he needed to get John to let them help. Silence fell upon the room as John processed the new events and let everything sink in. After Chris had given him a few minutes to adjust he tried to bring John back into the world.

"John?" He called out softly not wanting to startle the man. John blinked his confusion away and refocussed on the Captain.

Chris smiled warmly. "Any chance of untying us so we can help you?”

It was like John had been jolted by an electric shock. His eyes widened and he looked at the wire like he was surprised it was still there. "Yes, yes of course." He stuttered and began to untie the wires holding them together as gently as he could manage.

When he finished unwinding the coil from around their chests he helped them both to their feet. He walked behind Chris and swiftly unwrapped his wrists and wiped the blood off as he did; he threw the wire away behind him with disgust before repeating the procedure on Nhan.

Pike and Nhan spent a few moments flexing their wrists and legs and cleaning their wrists up, luckily the bleeding had mostly stopped and it didn’t take long to regain feeling in them. Chris tried to ignore how raw and red his wrists were, how the wire had cut deeply into his flesh but John saw anyway and looked even more mortified.

"Oh God, what did I do?" He asked completely appalled, holding his hand up to his mouth and backing away.

Pike gently walked forward and placed a comforting hand on John's shoulder not wanting to spook him. "Hey it's okay. It'll heal.”

Truthfully his wrists did sting but it was nothing that Boyce wouldn’t sort out in a few minutes. If only John’s problems would be that quick to sort, but Chris had a feeling they wouldn’t be.

John eventually tore his horrified gaze away from their injuries and he strolled over to the phaser picking it up bu the handle; he also grabbed his communicator and held out the pair to Pike looking like he wanted to throw the weapon as far away from him as he could manage. Chris would be lying if he said his heart hadn’t skipped a beat when John had made for the phaser, but here he was giving it up and putting his trust in them completely.

John placed the items in the Captain’s outstretched hands. "I wont force you to stay, if you want to leave I'll vacate this body and you can go.”

Pike turned to Nhan and could she was on the same wavelength as him, they had come here to do a job and they intended to do it. They were here to help people. Chris took the proffered items and replied for all of them. "We're not going anywhere John, I meant what I said.”

John then did something unexpected: he spoke to Spock. "With your permission Spock I would like to remain in this body whilst I explain what has happened here, and show you all what is left of our civilisation. Sadly I require a body to communicate as mine was taken from me.”

Pike balked at the last line he hadn't really considered that John had once been corporeal. Still his true colours seemed to be shining through now and Pike was glad to see he was sticking to his word and not forcing himself on anyone; he was giving Spock the option to get out of this. Not that Spock would take it, but the option to choose was important all the same. Chris knew then he had made the right decisions to stay and help John, deep down he had good qualities.

John closed his eyes for a few moments seemingly communicating with Spock; his features slackened and his eyes opened slowly. Chris was surprised to see a change in features and noticed that his face had turned blank and stoic. It almost looked like Spock. "Captain, I have agreed to help John and allow him to share my body whilst we help him.”

So it was Spock. Pike was immensely glad to hear from Spock personally and know for certain that he was willingly doing this, John was opening up to them completely now.

Pike nodded exuberantly. "That's good news Spock. Thank you.”

Spock raised his eyebrow and almost looked happy. "We'll talk later Captain.”

Then Spock was gone and Pike saw John reappear noticing the subtle change in expression and tightening of muscles. John was not as practised at shielding his emotions as Spock was. He actually looked strangely alien in Spock’s skin like he didn’t know how to act in it.

John shook the disorientating effects away and glanced between Pike and Nhan. "I'd like to show you something if that's alright." He pointed out of the hall.

"Lead the way.” Pike and Nhan responded.


	3. Chapter 3

Captain Pike and Commander Nhan followed John deeper into the city ruins; they both balked and were taken aback by the damage they saw, by the clear signs of battle and destruction. Knowing it was an invasion and that people with corporeal bodies were reduced to whatever John was now made the silent walk all the more haunting, they now knew and had come face to face with the casualties of this planet. It made it real. Death clung in the air like a limpet to a rock and the smell of burning flesh and energy weapons reigned everywhere.

Pike watched the scene mournfully and tried to keep his mind on alert, no matter how difficult it was to be amongst this death and see it first hand there were others that needed their help. Soon enough John began to lead the pair of them underground and began explaining what had happened.

He reiterated what he had said in the hall, that he and his people didn’t used to be like this. They used to have bodies that weren’t too different from humans. That had all changed when their flesh and bones were disintegrated by the enemy and they suddenly found themselves floating as atoms, trapped in the gaseous state.

No matter how much he wanted to stay objective Pike found he couldn’t. Just listening to what John and his people had been through, seeing the aftermath of it, it made his blood boil. Chris had never seen such savage brutality. John had lost his home, family, his body and his life. It was unimaginable yet he was living it.

“Can you tell me anything about the invaders?” His tone had an angry bite to it which Nhan noticed, if she thought anything of it she didn’t say anything, honestly she looked like she shared his sentiments. The more he saw the more he wanted to bring those responsible for this genocide to be brought to justice.

John clenched Spock’s fists and he stared dead ahead like he wasn’t seeing the world around him, his eyes clouded over and he exhaled audibly. “They landed in massive column ships. They came out shooting when we sent envoys to welcome them.” John closed his eyes and took a moment to recover, shuddering at the painful memory. “They slaughtered everyone they saw.”

Pike swallowed down his rage, clenching his jaw as he pressed for details. “Did they say anything at all?”

John halted suddenly before a large doorway and Chris noticed that Spock’s face had fallen and his skin looked paler than usual. “No they didn’t.” John turned to look at Pike and muttered. “They didn’t seem to need a reason, they just kept shooting.”

John’s eyes drifted again and his muscles clenched. It didn’t take a behavioural scientist to point out that he was lost back in that moment, relieving the horror of the past. Wanting to snap him out of the pain, Pike reached out to gently grasp Spock’s shoulder. John flinched at the contact and almost fell backwards; it was clear by his confused expression that the contact had been unexpected and he was not used to physical touch any longer.

“I’m so sorry.” Chris offered sincerely knowing his words wouldn’t be enough, nothing would ever be enough but he had to say something. Seeing this suffering _hurt._ He only wished they had been here when this had happened, the Enterprise could have helped, they could have perhaps stopped this atrocity. Instead an entire world had burned.

“How long ago did the invaders come?” Nhan inquired.

The question snapped John out of his memories and he frowned as his mind whizzed forward to the present. “I wish I could tell you, but time has been passing differently for those who survived.”

They both perked up at the mention of survivors, perhaps finally some good news. “How many of your people survived?”

John cast his eyes downward sadly. “A couple of hundred.”

Pike felt his jaw drop open in shock. A planet the size of this with its infrastructure would have at one point supported millions of lives, but there were only a handful left? 

“If you can call this living.” John grimly added and proceeded to push the heavy doors open.

Pike stepped forward to help John with the doors they were incredibly stiff and appeared to get stuck half way open. Chris figured that they probably hadn’t been used in quite some time, what with John and his people not having bodies any longer. John led the way through the doors and Pike and Nhan followed in his wake; their eyes widened as they took in the huge underground cavern that stretched out further than the eye could see.

Suddenly Pike felt the urge to shiver and his skin tingled, something flashed in front of his vision for a second and it almost felt like a transport beam. He turned to Nhan and saw she was experiencing the same thing as he was; he looked back over his shoulder and clocked a barrier of some kind that they had just crossed.

The Captain and Nhan turned back to John and they both gasped audibly. Beyond John there were hundreds of people scattered round the cavern, well people was a rather loose term. Each person was heavily distorted and translucent, so much so that Pike ended up straining to see if he was actually seeing shapes or bodies. The only way he could properly describe them would be ghosts. He tried to focus on a single figure but found the task utterly impossible; the ghosts kept drifting and eventually melded into one before breaking apart again in some strange random pattern.

"This is the only place we've found that we can see one another." John began to explain as he led them further in. "We can communicate telepathically but you won't be able to hear that, hopefully your officer will understand and be able to translate where he can.”

The trio of Starfleet officers came to a stop in the centre of the cavern; Pike was suddenly aware that the ghostly beings were beginning to form a ring around them and had already blocked off the way to the exit. They were all staring inward so were aware of their presence but for now at least were keeping well back; that suited Pike just fine. His senses were going haywire and they had been ever since he had passed through that energy barrier, it was like he was absorbing the fear and misery in the room.

"Its alright, they're not like the destroyers." John began to calm the ever interested crowd. "They're here to help us.”

_"Help us, how can they help us?”_

_"Who are they?”_

_"I don't trust them.”_

_“They look like the destroyers.”_

_"What if they've come to make it worse.”_

_"How could this get any worse?”_

The Captain’s eyes bulged and he blinked rapidly as he tried to process what he had just heard. He couldn’t get his brain to process that all of those voices had poured out of Spock’s mouth almost instantaneously. His tongue had tumbled over the never ending syllables and his voice changed as he mouthed each person’s thoughts.

Chris decided to step in before things got too out of hand and these people inadvertently broke Spock’s brain. "My name is Christopher, I'm from the United federation of planets, and we are peaceful explorers. I know you're scared, I would be if I were in your shoes. John-" he indicated to Spock knowing full well that wasn’t his real name. "-has told me what happened to all of you. I'm deeply sorry we couldn't be here to help stop this atrocity from ever occurring.”

He spun on the spot and looked at each of the lost souls in turn, the ones he could make out at least. Seeing them like this, seeing fear and suffering like this made his blood boil. "If you let us, we can help now. Anything we can do to make your lives any easier, to help fix things where we can.”

The Captain finished his speech and watched the room carefully for any signs of recognition. He squinted and tried to latch onto the facial expressions of the crowd to see if his words had made an impression on anyone. From what little he could make out it didn’t look promising, John noticed too.

“I have been inside their minds and they speak the truth. I was suspicious at first.” He paused and glanced sideways at Pike and Nhan, specifically at the wounds he had inflicted with a distant expression falling over his features. He soon snapped out of it and finished his point. “But these are honourable people and what they say is true.” 

A strange buzzing sound suddenly started and then the room was filled with insistent mutterings. A strange energy began to cloud the air and Pike sensed it converging on Spock. All of a sudden words began to tumble out of Spock’s mouth, all from different people.

_"Maybe we should listen.”_

_"We can't go on like this.”_

_"What if he makes it worse?”_

_"Worse, how could this get any worse?”_

_"I want this to end.”_

After the influx of voices there was one overriding question that got repeated through Spock from all sides.

_"You can really help us?”_

Pike glanced round at all the frightened faces as best he could, trying to put as much sincerity into his words and expression as he could manage. He wanted to help but he couldn’t do that until there was trust. "We can try." 

Chris wasn’t in the habit of lying and he wasn’t about make a liar out of himself now. This entire situation was new ground for all of them. He had never seen anything like this ever before; people being ripped from their bodies and suspended between states like this. It was a damn good thing that Spock was here, if anyone could get their head round this it was his science officer.

He addressed John. “I need my science officer back to see what we’re dealing with here.

John nodded an agreement then Spock’s expression and body stiffened immediately. Pike grabbed hold of his officer’s arm when he swayed unsteadily and almost tumbled. Spock blinked away the fog and not before long a familiar stoic expression settled across his face. Spock met Pike’s questioning gaze and Chris was grateful to see familiar eyes staring back. “You alright Spock?”

“I am well Captain.” Spock’s eyes drifted down to the hand that was still gripping his arm, now that he was steady Pike pulled it away quickly knowing Spock’s discomfort with being touched.

Chris didn’t think it was a good time to mention the strained eyes, the tensed muscles or how weary and drained Spock looked. There would be time for that later, he knew better than most that Spock would push through any discomfort until their goal was met.

Spock took out his tricorder out and began running scans of the general area; particularly he pointed it areas of interest and where the ghosts were crowded. Pike watched the translucent people form more of a loose ring and begin to give the three of them some space, he still couldn’t make any particular person out properly but it looked like the ghosts were talking amongst themselves.

Eventually the ghost people began to close inwards again, forming an even tighter circle around the Starfleet officers. Pike wasn’t the only one to notice the sudden change; he saw Spock and Nhan react to the change in atmosphere, it was like the room had become chilly all of a sudden.

Spock then stiffened and his eyes squeezed shut. Chris had seen this happen often enough to be able to recognise that John was back. “We’ve been talking. The only thing we wish for, is an end.”

Pike and Nhan locked eyes and mirrored each others puzzled faces, not sure what end meant but not liking the sound of it.

John noticed their twinned confusion so clarified. “We are suffering all the time, this pain is unimaginable.” Offhandedly Pike wondered if Spock could feel what John could… “We can’t end this ourselves, god knows we’ve tried. We’re stuck.”

With a growing sense of dread Chris finally understood what they were asking for; they were asking for help to die. Just the thought of it made him sick to his stomach and he fought off a shiver. He noticed Spock coming back to them so he addressed his science officer, knowing there had to be another way.

"Can you shed any light on the situation Spock? There has to be something we can do.” He desperately wished Spock could give him something, anything.

"The readings are not easy to decipher Captain, whatever caused this phenomenon is beyond our capabilities and knowledge.” 

He glanced up from his tricorder and indicated to the shimmering barrier by the door way. "This entire structure is encased in some kind of stasis field, effectively it keeps these people in a state between life and death.”

Christ. No wonder why John had been so scared before hand, they’d been trapped like this not knowing if their suffering would ever end. A never-ending hell, nothing else could compare to the hell of this.

”Now do you see why we ask for an end, for peace finally?”

Their deaths had been dragged out to last for eternity, an eternal suffering. No-one deserved this, least of all victims of an invasion. Pike would be chasing down who had committed these heinous crimes after he was done here and would bring them to justice. 

"You all feel this way?" Pike addressed the room.

Lots of yes' tumbled out of Spock's mouth, essentially yelling using his voice.

Pike felt at a loss, he was sworn to preserve life. How could he possibly stick to his values and help these people commit suicide? "Is there nothing we can do for them?" Pike knew he was grasping at straws but what else was he to do?

"Sadly Captain these people have already been killed. There is nothing we can do to prevent that.”

"But they have some semblance of life." Pike argued. "Surely we can't end that.”

John returned. "A life of constant suffering and pain, a life without end a life without meaning. This is no life Captain.”

Pike addressed the room sadly. "I can't even begin to understand what you've all been through, but what you're asking us to do. It goes against everything we stand for.”

"You said you help people, it may not feel like it but this would be helping us. We don’t even have the ability to end our own suffering, what kind of existence is that?" John implored.

With a further muscle spasm Spock returned, and he shook his head like he was dizzy again. Spock looked at Pike and added his two opinion. ”A fundamental aspect of being alive is birth and death, the beginning and end of life. If one can ever move on then is it really living?”

Chris was torn, what they were asking for went against everything he had ever sworn to uphold yet he couldn’t ignore such a desperate plea. After hearing the pain in John’s voice, and seeing the anguish on the people’s faces Pike found he couldn’t leave them to this fate. They should help these people move on and finally find peace.

The Captain grimly came to a decision; he couldn’t leave them here to suffer for eternity. “Okay we’ll help.”

***

The trio wasted no time and got to work. Spock began jerry-rigging some equipment together with the aim to disrupt the stasis field so the trapped souls could be released. Nhan worked closely by his side whilst Pike stood on the outskirts, helping where he could but just generally offering any small comfort to John and his people as they prepared for the end. 

Chris was still in two minds about this whole thing, it was difficult for it to really sink in that John and his people were already dead especially when he could see them with his own eyes. Pike rubbed his face wearily and tried to clear his mind, this was hard enough as it was without his conscious getting in the way.

_You're not killing them, you're saving them, freeing them._ That's what John had said, it was just a shame Chris couldn't find it within himself to believe it.

Spock looked up from his temporary work space and indicated for the Captain to come over. Chris felt a great sense of foreboding as Nhan stepped away, clearly Spock was finished. Chris joined Spock. "Is it ready?”

Spock nodded. "It is.”

Pike glanced over the controls and frowned. "How do you operate it?”

"Do not worry Captain I will-“

"No you won't Spock." Pike interrupted coolly, levelling his steely gaze at him. Chris was pulling rank here and Spock noticed; he stood taller as the Captain emerged. "I'm not having anyone else take on this burden.”

Chris looked between the two officers and saw they wanted to argue, both Nhan and Spock offered protests at the same time. “But-“

"I offered our help to these people, so I'm going to cut off the stasis field. That's my final word on the matter." Pike interrupted strongly.

He was deadly serious and they both clocked it so their mouths snapped shut; their respective arguments dying in their throats. They both knew hope stubborn he could be, Number one had always teased him about it, but it would work for him here. There was no way in hell Pike was going to let anyone else do this, if he wasn't willing to do it then how could he ask it of his crew? 

Pike waited for his science officer to show him how to operate the equipment. Spock hesitated for a moment, he didn’t look happy with the situation but he held his tongue nonetheless. When Pike proved to be stubborn enough to not budge on the matter Spock realised he was fighting a losing battle; he proceeded to walk the Captain through which controls to operate.

Chris barely heard a word of what Spock was saying his thoughts were starting to run away from him. His mind got stuck in auto pilot as he took in Spock's instructions whilst the other part of it seemed to stall, perhaps finally realising the gravity of what he was about to do.

By the time Spock finished Chris was feeling very sick. He pushed the queasy feeling aside and drew on his memories of the people’s pleas, knowing he didn’t have the right to force people to live especially when from their opinion they weren't living and they never would be again. Pike pulled himself together and glanced up at the crowd noticing that they had stilled; they all sensed the change in atmosphere. 

"John, we're ready." _Ready to end your lives._ The words stuck in Pikes throat, he brushed aside Spock and Nhan's concerned stares. 

Pike watched a single figure drift towards Spock's body and soon enough John took control of Spock's body one last time, swaying unsteadily like the whole planet was rocking beneath his feet.  
For the second time Chris grabbed Spock’s arm to keep him from falling flat on his face, it took him longer to steady and balance this time which confirmed a theory of Chris’. Each transference the symptoms for Spock had been getting worse, most likely his body and mind were beginning to react badly to the process.

After a few seconds John smiled warmly at Chris and brushed off his concern, indicating he was okay now. "I wanted to thank you, all of you. I know you may feel this is murder but truly you are freeing us: saving our souls." Suddenly John didn’t have the ability to meet his gaze and he glanced away sheepishly. "I am sorry about the way we met, I wish we could have had an easier start. You're good people.”

"There's no need to apologise anymore John, it's forgotten and understandable after the suffering you had been put through." Nhan replied kindly.

"What she said." Pike added sincerely. He couldn't have put it better himself.

John frowned. "Still I should not have been so quick to judge. You weren’t."

John stared round the room and shifted on the balls of his feet, flexing his fingers and wrists every few seconds. Pike realised he was relishing what it was like to have a body for the final time, the thought hit him like a tonne of bricks. What was about to happen slammed back into him and brought back all the feelings of dread.

Eventually John stopped stalling, he glanced at his people and appeared to be more at peace. "Please thank Spock for me. I couldn't have done this without him.”

"We will." Nhan replied.

All the people began to merge into one bright huddle and soon it was impossible to make any individual person out. A nervous energy grew in the room as the silence drew on. Pike tasted bile rise in his throat, he was about to end lives and no matter how he spun it this was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do. 

John glanced from the officers to his people and smiled and he held up a hand in farewell. “Goodbye."

"Goodbye John.”

John smiled sadly. ”My real name is Khelban”.

After the dying declaration he disappeared and left Spock’s body for the last time. Pike watched Khelban join the others never once looking back. Thankfully Nhan was close by to catch Spock because he lost his footing entirely and his limbs fell asleep, he collapsed sideways and sagged completely in Nhan’s grip.

Pike watched his officer carefully and frowned when Spock collapsed under the strain of all the transferences. He seriously looked like hell; the kid was clearly exhausted and under too much strain mentally and physically. He caught his science officer's eye and clocked the weariness and pain hidden behind those depths. Yeah he was definitely going to watch Spock carefully, and order him to medical A.S.A.P.

With great difficulty the Captain pulled his concerned gaze away from Spock, he had his own duty to carry out. Pike’s hand hovered over the controls and he observed the change in the room. The nervous buzz of earlier was gone, the room had turned silent all of a sudden and the mood had been replaced by something lighter, more hopeful.

He realised the fear and panic was gone, in its place he could see the people were at peace with this choice and with what was about to happen to them. Knowing he couldn't delay the inevitable any longer, Chris closed his eyes took a deep breath and pulled himself into the moment. 

On autopilot he operated the controls and heard a buzz begin to fill the hall, when he entered the final command he felt the release of some kind of energy wave. When he looked up again Khelban and all the people were gone. They were finally free; they were finally at peace.


	4. Chapter 4

Chris stared out of the viewport window and looked down upon the desolate and war-ravaged world below; the deep fractures and cracks on the surface had deeper meaning now they all knew that it hadn’t been artificial. A race of unknown humanoid people had ravaged this planet; they had brought their rage and warmongering to Khelban and his people, and set their world on fire.

The Captain closed his eyes and clenched his jaw; he felt his hands begin to clench unwillingly. Every time he looked down at the fires raging below; the ruins of great cities, all he could see were Khelban and his people staring up at him as his hand reached down to end their lives… 

Chris opened his eyes abruptly and shook off the tremble that shook his body. Ever since that moment on the planet, when Khelban and the ghosts had all disappeared into nothingness, Pike had felt a heavy burden settle across his shoulders. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t shake the moment or the _guilt_ he felt at taking away people’s lives; everything since that moment had been reminding him of the stasis field collapsing and the final look on Khelban’s face before he disappeared.

Khelban had been relieved, happy and at peace with what was happening. Well that was what Chris told himself, it was the only reason he was still holding it together, albeit barely. Every second since they had disappeared he had asked himself the same question over and over again: Was it right what I did?

He had to believe it was and he was coming to terms that whatever the answer might be for him personally, it had been right for Khelban. He was thankful that these morbid questions didn’t truly begin to plague him until he returned to the ship and the relative safety of his quarters, giving him time to reflect and think without prying eyes, without the need to be Captain Pike. His space allowed him the solitude he so desperately craved after missions like that; some time where he could let himself truly feel everything in his heart without reproach or worry about who was watching.

The moments after the stasis field had vanished were a blur of confusion. Pike knew that one of them must have contacted the Enterprise but he had no memory of it, it was funny how some memories were crystal clear whereas others were almost like he hadn’t even been there. The more he thought back to the time he realised Nhan must have taken care of everything after she had recognised that her Captain and friend were more than a little out of it. He made a note to thank her for holding them both together in the aftermath.

A sudden vivid memory flashed into his mind: of him being rooted to the spot, his hand still hovering over the controls that had just terminated the stasis field, his eyes fixated on the spot where Khelban had just been standing. He hadn’t even heard Spock approach so he basically jumped out of his skin when Spock queried if he was okay. Chris remembered feeling flustered and caught out like a deer caught in the headlights; terrified that someone had seen him with his guard down like that.

It had only been a split second slip but that would be enough for someone as vigilant Spock. Chris snapped back into Captain mode and slipped into one of his usual disarming smiles, waving off the young science officer before heading towards Nhan to issue orders. He had felt Spock’s gaze burning into the nape of his neck for the remainder of their stay; it was intense enough that Chris seriously considered that Vulcan’s had laser vision or something.

Still it hadn’t been long before they beamed back aboard the ship and Spock’s scrutiny vanished amongst the bustle of the Enterprise. They had all been down there for long enough to cause concerns about their radiation exposure, so much for their plan to rotate crew around. They had been beamed directly to medical quarantine in sick-bay, so word had clearly gotten to Boyce that there had been alien entities at play.

Once it was deemed they weren’t carrying any pathogens or deadly virus’ the medical team gave them all a thorough once over; they poked and prodded at their various scrapes and bruises. Boyce had not been impressed by Pike’s attempts to leave before his head wound had been seen to. He was even less impressed when Spock tried to duck out; so was Chris.

Pike had put his two cents in and ordered Spock to remain in sick bay; he gave full authority to Doctor Boyce to keep him there until he was completely checked over, and had some rest after being taken over by an alien entity.

Spock being Spock downplayed the entire event even going so far as to proclaim himself as healthy and unaffected.

Pike and Boyce had both stared at him incredulously like he had grown a second head. How the hell could he say he was alright after going through something like that without letting Boyce check him over? 

Chris had levelled his most intimidating Captain’s stare at Spock. “Tell me Spock, have you ever had an alien entity take over your body. Numerous times?”

Unbelievably Spock had sat and actually pondered the question seriously. Pike knew damn well that he hadn’t, Boyce knew damn well that he hadn’t.

Eventually Spock had replied. “No.”

“No. So we don’t know how this will effect you.” Pike had explained slowly almost as though he had been talking to a child, well if Spock insisted on acting like a child… In response Spock had honest-to-god rolled his eyes. Of course because it was Spock it was a minute action but Pike had caught it anyway. 

Chris had softened his tone and sighed wearily and shared a concerned look with Boyce. “Let the Doc check you over Spock, your system has been through a lot.”

Pike saw when his concern landed, Spock’s expression changed and his shoulders sagged as he relented to an extended stay in sick bay. Spock allowed himself to be manoeuvred into a bed and Boyce had looked ecstatic that he had managed to catch two officers in his trap. It turned out that the Captain’s head wound along with the lengthly radiation dose was enough to earn him a bed in sickbay too.

After giving Spock an earful about trying to leave he could hardly do so himself, much to Boyce’s joy and his own chagrin. The pair of them remained in Doctor Boyce’s care until the good Doctor was satisfied that they were both fit for light duties.

Number one visited him a couple of times to catch her Captain up on current events; she hadn’t left without teasing both he and Spock about their extended stay under Boyce’s care. The next time she came she brought the senior heads of departments with her, and they held an impromptu meeting in the middle of sickbay. Boyce was not pleased but Chris had said that if he wouldn’t let him out then the work would have to come in.

Several away teams were deployed across the planet’s cities and alongside Enterprise’s sensors were searching for any further signs of survivors, or any other signs of stasis fields incase there were more people trapped. All evidence gathered about the attack was being catalogued ready to pass on to Starfleet when they were in range of a transmitter. No-one could be allowed to get away with genocide.

Chris pulled his mind out of the past with a jolt and chided himself for wallowing, when he should be thinking about the present or even the future. He sighed heavily and pushed away from the viewport and wandered back over to his desk, scowling at the half finished reports strewn about the desk. He had been trying to get his muddled memories of what had happened on the planet down on paper without missing any details. Technically he was the only one who had a full view and memory of the entire affair, Nhan had been unconscious and Spock had been, well, he had been unavailable for quite some time. 

He was about to pull out a seat and commit to the arduous paper work when his door chimed. Pike glanced between the door and his never-ending pile of work tiredly. Typical, the one time he actually worked up the motivation to get cracking somebody wanted his attention. Chris slapped on an easy smile and called out. “Come.”

The door swished open and standing on the doorstep was Spock; he had a slight frown on his face making him a little lost and strangely hesitant. Those expressions did not compute with Spock.

Pike frowned at his frozen friend and grew more worried the longer Spock stayed silent and rooted to the spot. All his thoughts about his own problems vanished and he ushered Spock into his space, studying his features carefully. The Vulcan uncharacteristically let his gaze wander and didn’t meet Chris’ eyes, not even once.

“Spock?”

The sudden question snapped Spock out of where ever he had been lost. His familiar stoic expression slotted into place and his eyes looked more focussed when he finally held Pike’s stare. “Apologies Captain, I have been…” He paused and mulled over several words before finally coming up with: “…Distracted.”

That was hardly a surprise given everything Spock had been through recently. Pike smiled kindly hoping to put his friend at ease. “No apologies necessary Spock, it’s understandable.”

After seeing Spock acting like this Chris quickly decided on something, hoping it would make Spock more comfortable in the room. He headed over to his cabinet and pulled out two glasses. They were both off duty and had been ordered by the CMO no less to take it easy, however Spock had never accepted a drink from him before and Pike wasn’t expecting him to now. This was just routine; something familiar to help ground them both.

“Drink?” He asked politely.

“Please.” Spock responded immediately and without another word made his way over to one of the sofas in the living area; he sat down without looking back.

The Captain was so stunned by the answer that he almost dropped both glasses. He snapped round to Spock and added another thing to the long list of concerns Spock was giving him, even now he didn’t look right sat on the couch. He was hunched over slightly and there was a visible tension in his shoulders. Chris recognised the symptoms: he was a carrying a great burden. He had seen it many times over the years just never before on Spock who had always been so private and put together. 

Chris poured and carried both their drinks over to the seats and handed Spock his; neither of them said a word. The Captain settled himself down opposite Spock and sipped his drink; he relished the burning feeling as it slipped down his throat. He watched Spock quietly and waited patiently for him to open up. 

He knew from past experience that it was not a good idea to push Spock into anything. When he needed to talk you had to let him open up in his own time otherwise he would shut down and retreat from the problem. Chris had learned Spock’s mannerisms quickly and he was naturally patient. It was probably why Spock kept returning to him; it humbled Chris that he had his trust.

“I wanted to apologise.” Spock finally began, looking at Pike and abandoning his drink on the table.

“What for?”

Spock blinked and replied without a beat. “For assaulting you and Commander Nhan.”

Pike rolled his eyes and waved him off. “Spock we’ve discussed this, it was John, _Khelban._ ” He corrected at the last minute.

The correction didn’t alleviate any of Spock’s burden. “Without me you would never have been hurt, or nearly killed.”

Two could play at that game. “Without you hundreds of people would still be suffering.”

Spock took the blow and recognised the Captain’s stubbornness. They could go back and forth all night long and never tire. It was pointless. “Arguing about the past is illogical.”

Pike acknowledged the acceptance for what it was. “That it is.” He leaned forward to catch Spock’s eye. “So you’ve got to let your guilt go Spock.”

Spock snapped at that, and an honest-to-god flash of anger crossed his face. “Will you?”

Chris reeled back at the sudden change in tone, confused by the accusation. “What?” 

“You talk about letting go of guilt yet it hangs round your neck like a noose.” Spock’s anger faded away and something akin to pity began to seep in.

Pike didn’t know what to say to that outburst. Words failed him completely as his tongue grew thick and his mouth dried up. He wanted to deny the accusation and tell Spock that he was barking up the wrong tree but really he wasn’t. Spock had seen through his pathetic facade, and had concluded that he was hurting too. How had Spock turned this around and made it about Pike?

“The decision you made it weighs on you.” Spock added quietly. It wasn’t a question but a statement of fact.

Pike knocked back the rest of his drink in one go and moved away from the seats to refill his glass. He turned his back to Spock in an attempt to hide his expression; how much it pained him thinking about his actions down on the planet. It was all futile, Spock saw everything he needed to in the Captain’s profile: his hunched and strained muscles, how weary he looked underneath his armour and the stark reaction to Spock’s deductions.

Chris kept his back to Spock and sighed heavily; he ran a calloused hand down his face. “I killed people Spock, I ended their lives.”

"Those people were already dead when we found them: murdered by the invaders. They begged you to set them free; they had no way to do it themselves. They wanted to rest in peace.”

Pike clenched his jaw when Spock spouted all the things he had been telling himself for the past day; it didn’t make his guilt magically disappear and it didn’t make the act of killing right. He turned around to face Spock, and anger laced his movements.

"Who are we to judge what kind of life they could have lived?” He argued heatedly taking his frustrations unfairly out on Spock.

Rather than fall into the argument and anger his Captain was radiating Spock withdrew and did something odd. He picked up his drink and swallowed a large mouthful, wincing when the liquid burned down his throat and scarred his features.

Eventually he replied, his expression morphed into a grimace. “They were in a lot of pain.”

Something about the way Spock had spoken made Chris pause. Spock’s entire demeanour and attitude had changed completely; his fingers were clenching the glass tightly like he was trying to stop them from trembling or hide the fact they were. Pike began walking back over to the seats and Spock instinctively wanting to reach out and help.

He got as close as the seats. “Spock did you feel-“

“I did.” Spock interrupted quietly, gaze still burning into his glass distantly.

Pike took a seat right next to Spock and studied him carefully in the dim light. He opened and closed his mouth a few times but couldn’t form words, he had never imagined that Spock had had to deal with their pain, that he had connected with Khelban more so than Pike and the medical staff had thought. Spock continued to stare at the amber liquid in his glass like it would provide answers to life’s mysteries. 

The longer Chris stared and thought about what Spock had just revealed the more he questioned why the kid had kept this dark secret to himself for so long. He would never have allowed Spock to continue to meld with Khelban if he had known these consequences. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Spock’s glazed eyes stared dead ahead, and a haunted look settled on his face showing just how much he had seen and felt of the planet’s pain."There was nothing you could do. It was a side effect of Khelban melding with me.”

Chris felt a deep pit open up in his stomach and he took a deep pained breath and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt so guilty that he hadn’t checked up on Spock sooner and that he hadn’t noticed his friend’s troubles. Resolving to make amends Pike leaned forward into Spock’s personal space, and he almost did a double take when Spock neglected to react to the invasion like he usually did.

“You don’t have to carry this weight alone.”

Spock’s eyes snapped to his face and a sudden surge or panic and horror flitted across his features. "I can handle it Captain, sharing this with you would only cause you pain."

And here was Spock’s martyrdom complex rearing its head, really only Captain’s should suffer from the complex not Lieutenants. Spock took too much on his shoulders and had to learn to lean on people when they needed it, the kid should know by now if Chris could help in any small way then he would.

"Have you ever thought that it may alleviate my burden?”

It did the trick in throwing Spock off. "How so?”

"Context." Was his simple honest answer. "I'm struggling with my decision to turn off that stasis field. Perhaps seeing what you saw might make me understand, to know it was what they truly wanted and it was a mercy.”

Spock mulled the answer over in a contemplative silence; hundreds of thoughts and reactions crossing his expression in a micro second. Chris knew he had succeeded with his mission when Spock met his gaze and he spotted a flicker of hope in his eyes; deep down Spock wanted to share his burden with someone otherwise why had he put himself out there and appeared in his Captain’s quarters?

"Perhaps." He eventually relented.

“Okay good.” Pike latched onto the answer with a firm grip so Spock didn’t get any ideas of backing down to protect him. He put his drink down on the table and stared at Spock expectedly. “What do we?…”

Spock understood what his Captain was asking even without a full sentence, watching Pike’s hand gesture between the two of them. They were talking about a mind meld here, something which Pike had never been through but had heard plenty about in the past from Spock.

The Vulcan turned his body to fully face his Captain and held out his hand tentatively, spreading out his fingers and taking a deep breath. “I must make physical contact, and then our minds will be one.”

Well, that sounded simple enough… Chris watched Spock’s fingers with wide eyes and an open curiosity. He’d be lying if he said he’d never thought about what this would be like.

Spock mistook his wonder and hesitancy for anxiety. “Are you certain you want to do this Captain? You don’t-“

“I’m sure.”

Spock studied his Captain silently for some time and after seeing the unwavering conviction gave in to the moment; he brought his hand up to make contact with Pike’s temple. Chris had never felt Spock touch him before not like this anyway. In the bizarre moment the only thing he could think about was how soft Spock’s fingertips were…

He snapped back into the serious moment when he remembered Spock was about to be in his head and he did not want those thoughts running rampant. 

“My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.” Spock chanted steadily.

Pike closed his eyes and put his mind completely in Spock’s hands letting him take the lead; he cleared his mind and relaxed into the touch. At first he felt nothing and he had the odd urge to laugh at how nervous he had been for this, but then suddenly an itching started up in earnest towards the back of his head and then he wasn’t in his own mind anymore.

Chris saw flashes of something; of things and places he didn’t recognise and strange thoughts that were not his own. He followed the trail he naturally wanted to tread; it was like he had been chucked into a raging stream and there was only one way to go without being torn apart. 

“Relax Captain.”

_Wait, was that who he thought it was?_

“Spock?”

“Yes Captain. You must relax your mind.” 

The familiar voice helped cut through the fog in his head and he focussed on the reassuring words; he let go completely and allowed his mind be taken along by the stream rather than trying to fight it. 

As soon as he let go it was like the flood gates opened. One minute there was only darkness and in the next there was so much colour, so much noise and so much _emotion_ that it stole the wind from his sails.

_Invasion, explosions, destruction, fire, murder, pain, death._ A thousand images rushed into Pike’s mind all at once, merging together only to split apart over and over again. He thought the images were painful enough, but that was nothing compared to the emotions. Chris had never felt so much pain, fear, or agony all in one moment before. Experiencing an invasion like this; the intensity of it all, it was too much. How could anyone feel like this and stay conscious? 

Chris would have blacked out if that were possible, but the mind meld was trapping him in this horror. Things and feelings began to flash past faster and faster, and he wasn’t sure what he was seeing anymore, all he knew was that he _hurt._ He soon realised these were Khelban’s memories, it was like experiencing a nightmare whilst being paralysed: unable to stop the horror. He watched countless people get cut down, people scrabbling for a desperate exit, and finally he was looking up into the barrel of a gun…

Pike gasped loudly when the contact broke and fought for breath like a fish out of water. He couldn’t help but feel like he had been pulled out of the sea or out of a raging swell. The severing of the meld had felt so abrupt so harsh, just like the gunshot which had ended Khelban’s life. He distantly felt tears streaking down his face as he tried to take control of his breathing; his lungs were shaking and his heart was aching with grief, suffering, _pain._

He hadn’t thought it possible to feel emotion to such an extent; his entire body was drenched in it and he was trembling from it. He was so shaken and disconnected from his own thoughts and mind that it took him a while to steady himself, and ground his mind back in the here and now. Eventually his quarters came back into focus and he fiercely wiped away the tears to clear his blurry vision. He stared at Spock in a new light; whoever said Vulcans didn’t feel anything knew nothing at all. Spock felt and more importantly he hurt, big time.

"You've been carrying this." Chris eventually managed to find words when he felt like he wasn't being repeatedly punched in the gut any longer. “Alone."

Spock continued to sit quietly; he had moved his hand away from the contact and reached for his barely touched drink, downing it one. This time he didn’t wince when the liquid burned his throat in fact he didn’t react at all. “I apologise for the emotional transference, sadly it is a side effect of the meld.”

He felt his mouth fall open. “You’re apologising to me?”

Spock finally looked him in the eye. “I did not mean to cause you any further pain Captain.”

Chris watched his friend carefully; he clocked the tension in his shoulders and the weariness etched into every inch of skin he could see. Pike wouldn’t have done so on a normal occasion but after what he had just witnessed he felt the need to reach out with his hand and reassure Spock. “You didn’t Spock. I asked for this.”

Spock stared at the hand for a second but didn’t flinch away from it, when he returned his gaze to his Captain, Spock did not look convinced. 

“It helped.” Pike added quickly.

It was the god’s honest truth, Chris understood more of Khelban’s struggles now he had seen them first hand; now he had felt them. It didn’t make what he had done completely right, but neither did it feel as wrong. 

Knowing Spock was probably becoming uncomfortable with his touch Pike withdrew his hand and the pair fell into a strangled silence; neither of them wanting to break nor knowing what they would even say. Internally Chris was still reeling from the emotional transference; his heart rate was only just coming back down to normal. Spock was staring at Pike and soon noticed he was still struggling.

"It is said that Vulcans feel more deeply than humans.” He mused quietly finally breaking the silence.

That was the understatement of the year, Chris had never imagined feeling anything like Spock did and he kept it all under wraps? How did he find the strength to do that? 

Perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps he was just tired. Whatever the reason Chris pressed into Spock’s personal life far more than he should have, his curiosity overriding any usual filters and forgetting for a moment just who exactly he was talking too. ”Spock, do you ever want to just let yourself experience those emotions, too not have to bottle it up?”

Spock stilled and visibly froze; he placed his empty glass on the table with a dull thud. Then something unfamiliar flashed across his face and he went to stand; a strained expression in place. "Apologies Captain, but it is getting late.”

_Ah shit_ , now he'd pushed too far and blown it. Neither of them had accepted truly what they had experienced on the planet, Spock had come to him for help and Chris had thrown that back in his face with his carelessness.

"Spock wait, I'm sorry I didn't mean to pry." He desperately called out and stood to reach out to Spock’s retreating form; he just about managed to stop himself from reaching out to grab Spock's arm.

Thankfully something in his words or actions stopped Spock. Spock turned and studied his Captain with an unnerving stare and then after cataloging something let the tension in his shoulders go. It was curious behaviour which made Pike rethink his words. He mused that every time Spock would have heard something like that it would probably have been a criticism and most definitely said to mock; Chris hadn’t meant it like that at all and he hoped Spock knew that. His curiosity had gotten the better of him and he hadn't thought how personal his question would be to someone like Spock.

Eventually Spock managed to formulate words although he looked oddly vulnerable and unsure of himself. "I am sorry Captain. The reason I did not answer-“

"You don't have to explain yourself, it's okay." Pike interrupted kindly; he was horrified that he had made Spock uncomfortable in the first place.

Spock stalled then something new flitted across his face and his expression became more open like before; trusting and not closed off behind a wall. "I want to." 

He made his way back over to the sofas and waited for Pike to retake his seat. "The reason why I cannot give you an answer is because I do not know myself, that question is what I have struggled with all my life.” Spock looked Chris in the eye for the first time since beginning. "So to answer your question: I do not know, I may never know. I do not like not knowing.”

There was something about the way Spock admitted those painful truths; the vulnerability there and the sheer _humanity._ Chris felt an undeniable urge to comfort Spock, not even beginning to imagine the war he had been fighting his whole life as he was torn between two paths. 

"It's okay to not know everything. Part of our journey in life is discovering who we are. I have no doubt that you will soon discover who you are and make peace with yourself. You’ve already come so far just since I’ve known you.”

The Spock he had met before their 5 year mission was leaps and bounds away from the man sat before him now. Not only had he had grown in confidence but he had also truly began to embrace both sides of who he was even if he couldn’t recognise it. 

Spock glanced at him and his jaw slackened, his eyes shined brightly and Pike felt like Spock was immensely grateful for the vote of confidence. In fact his next words proved it.

"Thank you Captain." His voice was strangely off, like he was holding something back.

Chris nodded, almost embarrassed that something so simple could help Spock. Who the hell had been putting him down all his life? _His father most probably_ a dark part of his mind offered.

"If you ever want to talk Spock, about anything, my door is always open." It was a gentle invitation, and something he hoped Spock would take up in the future. 

Spock's face lit up, well for Spock’s standards at least. He looked insurmountably grateful like Chris had just offered him the universe.

"I will keep that in mind." Spock replied jovially and purposefully used human language and idioms.

A somber silence fell upon the room once more as the moment passed, and the real reason Spock had sought the Captain out coming back to mind. The planet, the death, the choice. Pike knew that they were both avoiding what they must face, and he knew that he and Spock needed to put this behind them if they had any chance of moving forward.

“You know that we both need to move forward, past what happened down there.” Chris gravely informed Spock. He knew what he was asking of both he and Spock and more pressingly the courage it would involve.

Spock stared at him with such openness, and bared his soul to show the pain and hurt still shying away. “I don’t know if I can.”

Pike believed in leading by example and this was something he could demonstrate to help both of them. He squeezed Spock’s shoulder affectionally. “You can Spock. We will together.”

Spock looked at him with abiding trust and eventually he let go of the control and nodded. “Okay.”

The Captain let go of Spock’s shoulder and studied the man before him, and he watched as he released some of the tension in his posture; let go some of his burdens. Chris strove to do the same. They sat in silence for some time after that, whilst Chris refilled their drinks when needed.

Pike didn’t know how they ended up at the chess board but really did he expect anything else? It was like a second language to them by now: their secret way of conversing. Spock fell into the logic of the game with abandon and put aside the emotional turmoils of the past; his armour fell to the floor piece by piece.

Chris watched his friend shed his burdens one by one and eventually they both relaxed and let their spiralling regrets run free. The past was fixed, done. Neither of them could change that and brooding over it could cause pain for others in the present and in the future.

As a great man had once said: ‘You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

_Finis_


End file.
